OK,
so I botched it. My attempt to “write more, more often”, has clearly failed
spectacularly. At least last time I tried this I lasted a month. It was a different
type of blog and I only wrote three blog posts, but I definitely put in a lot
of effort into all of them. I was actually pleased with the results *gasp*.
Then reality settled in and I got tied up in my own problems (as opposed to the
sweet sweet problems of fictional characters), particularly the I’m-not-a-student-any-longer-so-what-do-I-do-with-my-life-and-more-importantly-with-my-degrees
syndrome. Or (chronic) existential crisis for short. Also, my priorities are so
in order, aren’t they? And a year later, I was/am still in the same position,
if anything time has made it worse. I thought time was supposed to heal all
wounds?
I could
go on about existential crises, but I’m going to cut myself short and save it
for another time. The main reason for
today’s online outburst is why I have been inactive on my blog.
Perfectionism
my friend, perfectionism. I’ve always been a perfectionist. And while that may
seem like a good thing, in a I-strive-for-nothing-but-the-best sort of way, it
can be crippling. It often stops me from starting or trying new things because I
end up convincing myself that I would never be able to master them. Why does my
brain not understand that mastery level of things is not required for
survival??? Why must I be cursed with this monster in disguise? People do things
for FUN Brain, please accept that.
I want
everything I write and create to be the unachievable perfect. And I don’t know
why. I don’t even know how to define and enlist the criteria of “perfect”. And the
moment I get a whiff of factors that will stand in my way to perfection, I crumble.
I spend so much time and energy thinking of what to write about that before I know
it, the day is over, and I haven’t typed a single word. It’s a vicious daily
cycle. The only routine in my otherwise empty days. And this blog was supposed
to be a way to break that cycle. I wanted to be able to put down some thoughts
and opinions about whatever was on my mind and communicate with people around
the world. But I refuse to think that I’ve botched this for good. So what if
there are typos or the flow of the composition isn’t, well, flowy enough? It’s
ok to have a few mistakes, make up a few words, or forget the rules of
capitalization. It’s Ok to not research everything extensively (thesis days are
over Brain, keep researching for work) or keep three different dictionary tabs
open. Now only if I could convince myself that. The internet doesn’t judge
after all.
I would
be proud to give Grammar Nazis a place to release their fury and expertise. It would
only mean I am overcoming my perfectionist ways! And learning to make mistakes
to learn from rather than avoiding mistakes in a static pool self doubt and
misery that I don’t write enough.
If this
made any sense, maybe I’m getting somewhere, if not, then I’ve still achieved
something.
Hopefully
I won’t have to make too many posts of the “Blog Botch Confession” variety.
Live and let live folks!
-Ekta
