Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Blog Botch Confession No. 1: 25 Sept 2013

OK, so I botched it. My attempt to “write more, more often”, has clearly failed spectacularly. At least last time I tried this I lasted a month. It was a different type of blog and I only wrote three blog posts, but I definitely put in a lot of effort into all of them. I was actually pleased with the results *gasp*. Then reality settled in and I got tied up in my own problems (as opposed to the sweet sweet problems of fictional characters), particularly the I’m-not-a-student-any-longer-so-what-do-I-do-with-my-life-and-more-importantly-with-my-degrees syndrome. Or (chronic) existential crisis for short. Also, my priorities are so in order, aren’t they? And a year later, I was/am still in the same position, if anything time has made it worse. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds?

I could go on about existential crises, but I’m going to cut myself short and save it for another time.  The main reason for today’s online outburst is why I have been inactive on my blog.

Perfectionism my friend, perfectionism. I’ve always been a perfectionist. And while that may seem like a good thing, in a I-strive-for-nothing-but-the-best sort of way, it can be crippling. It often stops me from starting or trying new things because I end up convincing myself that I would never be able to master them. Why does my brain not understand that mastery level of things is not required for survival??? Why must I be cursed with this monster in disguise? People do things for FUN Brain, please accept that.

I want everything I write and create to be the unachievable perfect. And I don’t know why. I don’t even know how to define and enlist the criteria of “perfect”. And the moment I get a whiff of factors that will stand in my way to perfection, I crumble. I spend so much time and energy thinking of what to write about that before I know it, the day is over, and I haven’t typed a single word. It’s a vicious daily cycle. The only routine in my otherwise empty days. And this blog was supposed to be a way to break that cycle. I wanted to be able to put down some thoughts and opinions about whatever was on my mind and communicate with people around the world. But I refuse to think that I’ve botched this for good. So what if there are typos or the flow of the composition isn’t, well, flowy enough? It’s ok to have a few mistakes, make up a few words, or forget the rules of capitalization. It’s Ok to not research everything extensively (thesis days are over Brain, keep researching for work) or keep three different dictionary tabs open. Now only if I could convince myself that. The internet doesn’t judge after all.

I would be proud to give Grammar Nazis a place to release their fury and expertise. It would only mean I am overcoming my perfectionist ways! And learning to make mistakes to learn from rather than avoiding mistakes in a static pool self doubt and misery that I don’t write enough.

If this made any sense, maybe I’m getting somewhere, if not, then I’ve still achieved something.

Hopefully I won’t have to make too many posts of the “Blog Botch Confession” variety.

Live and let live folks!
-Ekta